


Maybe I'll knit quem a hat

by ancom_243



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Angst, Anpac has a crush, Anqueer is kind of the villan in this, Fluff, Knitting, Other, Post-Left is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25600078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancom_243/pseuds/ancom_243
Summary: Anpac notices that the latest member of the anarchists isn't feeling too happy. While trying to comfort quem, he also notices that he might have a crush. But emotions can get complicated with so many anarchists in the same house.
Relationships: Anpac/Post-Left, Post-Left/Anqueer, implied past left unity
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first multi-part fic, which is exciting! I have the broader story planned out, so expect updates soon! Also can you tell I'm really bad at coming up with title names?

I knew Post-left wasn’t okay from the minute that qui decided to join our commune. I’m cognizant of the fact that I’m more emotionally aware than most other people, but I thought that Post-left made it fairly obvious, and I was surprised that none of the other anarchists picked up on it. Qui always seemed a little distant, reserved. Qui didn’t seem to be particularly comfortable with quis new identity as Post-left, but qui also was resistant to a lot of Ancom’s beliefs. The cognitive dissonance caused quem a lot of emotional distress. I had heard quim talk about quis ex-boyfriend a few times too, and it seems like qui was not only suffering from an identity crisis, but also heartbreak. Post-left hadn’t told me that much about quis past, but from what I could piece together, qui had been in a rather possessive relationship, and was now struggling to reclaim quis own sense of individuality and identity.

Therefore, I was saddened, but not surprised, when I walked by Post-Left’s room one day and saw qui sobbing through the slightly opened door. Oh dear. I hated seeing people in any kind of pain, either emotional or physical. I considered for a moment whether it would be good or not to disturb quem, but when I saw Post left start to convulse on quis bed, completely overcome with emotion, I knew the best way to reduce the violence would be to comfort my friend. 

“Mind if I come in?”

Post-left looked up at me, quis eyes stained with tears, quis face showing a look of absolute emotional exhaustion and vulnerability. Post-left nodded, as if qui was too tired to speak, and I sat down next to quem, wrapping my arms around quem, attempting to comfort the small person. 

“Hey. It’s going to be okay. I promise. You’re with us now. It’s okay.”

I took the blanket wrapped around my shoulders and draped it over Post Left, covering quem in its soft embrace. It was times like these when having a fluffy fleece blanket with me at all times came in handy. Post-left however, was still sobbing, and qui had begun to hyperventilate. I hugged quem tighter and began to speak. 

“Hey. You’re safe. It’s okay. Let’s breathe together to help you calm down. How does that sound?”

Post left looked back up at me and nodded.

“Okay. Breathe with me. In, two three four, Out two three four.”

Post-left did as qui was instructed, breathing in unison with me, and although qui was still shaking, before long qui was at least calm enough that qui was able to breathe normally. Still, I was concerned.

“Hey what was this all about?”

Post-Left looked up and paused for a minute before responding. 

“Well, I guess sometimes I just get lonely. I miss him, you know? Even though I hated him towards the end. I guess I’m just still getting used to being alone.”

I nodded. I could understand that. I hadn’t really felt that lonely ever since joining the other anarchists, but I could remember that feeling of isolation from before. 

“You know we will always be here for you, right? No one in the polycule should feel alone! We always have each other!”

“I know. I guess I just feel a little intimidated by everyone else, especially Anqueer and Insurrectionary Anarchism. It seems like all of you are so close and I’m just the new one.”

Oh dear. I was worried. This was my fault. I really liked Post-left, I always thought qui was kind of cute even, but I was so preoccupied with keeping Anqueer and the others happy that I guess I kind of forgot to talk to quem as much as I should. I should have made more of a conscious effort to make sure that Post-Left was included. How could I do that? Oh! I could knit quem a hat! I had knit all the other extremists hats, maybe it would help quem feel included! My mind was already abuzz with ideas for patterns, but first, I had to reassure Post-Left.

“Hey, you know that you are not just ‘the new one’ to us, right? We love having you here! And I promise Anqueer isn’t actually intimidating once you get to know them. And Insurrectionary Anarchism may seem scary, but he’s actually a softie.”

“I know. Thank you. Do you think you could just keep me company for a while? I really don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course. Whatever you need.”

\-------

I saw Post-left again at breakfast with the other anarchists the next morning. Of course, breakfast was a relative term, none of my housemates ever got up before noon. But as I was eating the eggs that Mutualism had cooked for everyone, I saw Post-left look up and give me a small smile. Gosh, qui was cute. I could feel myself blushing, so I quickly looked away. 

I could have sworn that I saw quem start to blush too, but before I could really comprehend what just happened, Queer Anarchism walked over to quem and started to try to talk to quem about intersectional leftist theory. Queer Anarchism had always seemed determined to try to help Post-Left reclaim quis old identity as Ancom, but I was never really sure if that was the smartest idea. Talking about quis past and what qui used to believe always seemed to stress quem out, but when I brought that up to Queer Anarchism they always brushed off my concerns. I hated conflict, so I wasn’t going to bring it up again right now. But what I could do to help Post-left was knit a hat so qui could feel more included. 

I walked back to my room, pondering on what pattern I should use. I was a fairly experienced knitter, I had knit hats for homeless kittens since I was a child. Therefore, I could pretty much knit any pattern my heart desired. I eventually settled on a nice soft lavender and gray variegated color that would be nice to knit cables with. I wanted to make a complicated pattern for Post-Left, something that would really make quem feel special. I got out my cable needles and my circular knitting needle, and began to cast on. 

As I began to knit ribbing for the brim, my mind, as it always does when I knit, started to wander. Why was it that I was so weird around Post-Left this morning? It had to be just because of our conversation we had last night, right? I was just worried about quem. There couldn’t be any other reason, right?

I honestly wasn’t sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anpac runs into Post-left attempting to read theory, and has a series of rather confusing interactions with the other anarchists.

I ran into Post-left again a few hours later. Qui was cuddled up on a beanbag with a copy of The Conquest of Bread. Qui hadn’t opened the book and was instead staring at the cover with a rather uninterested look on quis cute little face. Oh dear. I bet Anqueer put quem up to this. Post-left would never read theory of their own accord. Even now qui seemed bored out of quis mind, and qui hadn’t even cracked open the book yet. I should probably talk to quem, qui looked absolutely miserable.

“What’s up?” I ventured

Post-left looked up, and I could have sworn I saw quem smile a little bit when qui saw it was me. That made me really happy, but I wasn’t really sure why.

“Oh, nothing. Anqueer just gave me some reading to do. Told me it might make me feel more like myself, whatever that means. Honestly I don’t really like it.”

“Yeah I can tell!’ I said with a chuckle “You look like you hate your life.”

Post left smiled. 

“Oh shoot, do I? I swear, I’m really trying with this theory stuff. I just don’t see the point. Like, none of this will ever be relevant anyways. I’m only really reading this to make Anqueer happy. “

Ah. Just as I had suspected. This wasn’t good. I frowned and looked back at Post-left. 

“You know you don’t have to do this just because Anqueer tells you to, right?”

“I know. But they keep telling me about how awesome Ancom used to be, and it makes them really happy. So I might as well just read it and deal with it.”

“Hey, you shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. You do know that, right?”

“Yeah you’re right. I just can’t help but feel a little guilty. Like I remember being Ancom, right? But at the same time I don’t. I have some of the memories, but they don’t feel like my memories. It’s like how someone remembers a story that their friend tells them.. And Anqueer seems to think that who I was before was better than who I am now. So did Tankie. So did most people, actually, so I might as well just try to become my old self again, for the sake of everyone else.” 

Qui looked away solemnly, and I could sense that qui was about to cry, quis bottom lip was beginning to quiver, and quis eyes were starting to get slightly misty.

Okay that was really concerning. I was legitimately worried about how Anqueer treated Post-left now. It sounded like qui was really being manipulated. I really didn’t like that at all. 

“Post-left, you should live your life the way you want to, not how other people want you to live it. I think the way you are now is awesome. 

“Maybe. But why is it that everyone liked Ancom better? What’s wrong with me?”

My heart broke a little when I heard quem say that. Qui was a really good person, why couldn’t qui see that?

“Hey. Look at me. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. Don’t listen to anyone who says differently, okay?

Post-left nodded. 

“Thank you. I’ve been really unsure about my identity lately, and hearing all these conflicting opinions certainly hasn’t been helping.”

“You can always talk to me about it if you need. I’m not a big fan of confrontation, but I can also talk to Anqueer about this for you if you want.”

A flash of worry shot across Post-left face, and qui responded in a quick, hurried tone. 

“No, no that’s not necessary at all! Honestly they haven’t been pressuring me that much. Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure.”

“I think the real reason I’ve been trying so hard to please Anqueer is, well, it’s because I think I might have a crush on them. They’re pretty cute, and they kind of remind me of Tankie. They told me that they wanted to discuss theory with me over coffee tomorrow, and I want to know what I’m talking about”

Oh.That does certainly change things. I guess that’s better than Anqueer just completely manipulating Post-left for their own benifit, but something about the whole situation just didn’t sit right with me. Even if Post-left was just trying to impress Anqueer by reading, it still doesn’t excuse how Anqueer made Post-left question quis entire identity. Plus, for whatever reason, I just really didn’t like the fact that they were kind of dating. I mean, it wasn’t really my place to say, but something about that just made me sad. 

Before I could respond to Post-Left, Anqueer walked over, a confident smile adorning their face. Gosh, I wasn’t one to ever hold negative opinions of people, but something about the look on my friend’s face just filled me with a slight amount of anger. 

“Hey Anpac, Post-left! I see you’re doing some of that reading I recommended! That used to be Ancom’s favorite book!”

Post Left completely changed quis demeanor when qui saw Anqueer, qui sat up straighter and smiled, as if qui didn’t have a care in the world. Why was that really annoying to me? Ugh, I really didn’t want to be there for this conversation. 

“Hey Anqueer! I was just about to head out! I have some stuff to work on, I’ll talk to you later.”

With that, I stood up and walked out of the room. I could sense the confusion, but honestly I didn’t care. I had to think through all of the new developments, and the best way for me to do that would be to knit. 

\-------

My thoughts were as tangled as the yarn as I sat down on my chair in my room and began to sort out my thoughts. As I finished knitting the ribbing for the brim, I pondered all of today’s events. Something about the whole situation just didn't seem right to me. But why was I so upset by the fact that Post-left liked Anqueer? Was it just because I could see how manipulative they were being? Or was there more to it? I had just finished the brim of my hat when it hit me- I had a massive crush on Anpac. 

This certainly complicated things. In the polycule it wasn’t uncommon for us to date each other, but something about this felt different. I didn’t want Post-left to date both me and Anqueer. I wanted quem to just be mine. Anqueer just wasn’t a good match for quem. I knew that, but how could I make Post-left realize that too? Even more importantly, did Post-left even like me back? It was possible, but if qui did, qui definitely didn’t make it as obvious as qui did with Anqueer. 

For once in my life, I was confused by my own feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, emotions are complicated! I honestly think both Anqueer and Anpac are being a little possessive or manipulative of Post-left at this point. Poor Post-left.


End file.
